


The BAU vs The Alien Invaders From Outer Space

by fanficfan83



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Parody, Science Fiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-08
Updated: 2013-06-08
Packaged: 2017-12-14 09:00:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/835092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fanficfan83/pseuds/fanficfan83
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My submission for a Criminal Minds Bad Fanfic competition in 2009 and also my first fanfic.   Set shortly after Rossi joins the team.  The BAU are up against their most deadly unsubs yet and the future of whole wide world is at stake! Will they survive? Will you survive?  Read on!</p>
            </blockquote>





	The BAU vs The Alien Invaders From Outer Space

**Author's Note:**

> I had been reading fanfiction for years but it wasn't until the announcement of the Criminal Minds Bad Fanfic competition in 2009 that I seriously considered myself worthy of actually writing anything so here's my submission! For my first foray into fanficland I decided to pay homage to Ed Wood's masterpiece, 'Plan 9 from Outer Space' which is widely considered to be the worst movie of all time but one which I actually enjoyed :o) Please note that this was written during Season 4 so Emily is still on the team and Hotch and Haley divorced.

 

 

WARNING! You are about to witness top secret events that will happen in the future as described from the witnesses who saw these future events but have been sworn to secrecy. Please proceed with caution.

*******

The BAU plane headed towards the small town of Woodsville, its passengers were scrutinising the files in front of them with looks of intense concentration on their faces.

SSA Aaron Hotchner passed on a photograph, a close up of one of the victim's fatal wounds; a large hole in his head with what resembled scorch marks around the circumference.  "So, we have four bodies shot at close range with some kind of unidentified weapon. And then…" he paused as if he didn't know how to continue, "…the bodies were ripped from their graves shortly after burial." Hotch regarded his youngest agent. "What do you make of it, Reid?"

Reid cleared his throat "One thing's for sure, these people were murdered and  **somebody**  is responsible."

The rest of the team nodded their heads in agreement. Although Reid was young he was a genius and the team was in awe of his superior intellect.

Rossi looked at the photograph, shook his head and sighed, "But why dig up their bones?"

Reid smiled at his older colleague "Actually, grave robbing isn't as rare as you'd expect… it's quite a common fantasy but most people are loathe to admit it."

"I find that hard to believe."

"Exactly my point, Morgan!" Reid laughed knowingly while Morgan looked at his young friend and shook his head.  How was he possibly supposed to convince the team that he was innocent of such depravity?

Just then, the plane tilted to a 180 degree angle and lights blinded the passengers. Emily and JJ screamed while the men cursed and within a minute it was all over.

"What the hell was that?" Emily asked, trying to gain some composure and helping JJ back into her seat.

Rossi's answer was not expected, "Nothing." When he saw the disbelieving eyes of his younger colleagues he looked at Hotch "I didn't see anything, did you Hotch?"

Reid couldn't quite believe his older friend and squeaked, "What are you talking about? That was a UFO!"

Rossi stared at the young man intently, "You know there's no such thing as UFOs, right Hotch?"

Rossi winked at his superior and Hotch nodded in agreement, "Rossi's right, there's no such thing as UFOs" Hotch winked back. "I didn't see anything and neither did you, got it?"

Reid was about to protest and looked at his other friends for reassurance but was met with blank stares.  Morgan started chuckling, "What's the matter kid, you been shooting up again?" Reid couldn't suppress the smile at his friend's attempts to lighten the mood and soon the passengers were laughing, united in their hysteria.

*******

An hour after they landed, Reid, Hotch and Emily were escorted to the cemetery by the rather large, bald Detective Johnson of Woodsville PD.  He pointed to the most recently vacated grave and said, "I seen a lotta things in 20 odd years of law enforcement but I ain’t ever seen nothin' like this".

Reid peered into the pit, "Well, the body is definitely not here so it must have been removed."

While Hotch and Emily nodded in agreement, Detective Johnson looked at the young man disdainfully, "What do you know, you're just a kid?"

Hotch noticed Reid's shoulders slump and felt the need to defend him, "Dr Reid is a genius and you should show him more respect!" Reid blushed and tried unsuccessfully to suppress a smile. "Anything else, Reid?"

Reid looked up and nodded slowly, "The coffin looks like it was opened from the inside."

Johnson froze "What are you saying?"

Reid's eyes widened in disbelief, "There's only one logical explanation…zombies walk amongst us!"

*******

JJ was attempting to comfort Jane Montgomery, the latest victim's widow by rubbing her arm in a comforting fashion.  The widow stared blankly into the woods directly in front of her house not even acknowledging JJ's presence.

Rossi and Morgan were inside the house looking through the drawers for any indication why an old retired teacher should be killed in such a brutal fashion but their minds were on other things, "Do you think Reid will report the UFO sighting?" Morgan asked worriedly.

Rossi scratched his head with his gun and sighed, "Officially there's no such thing as UFOs but everyone in the FBI knows that they have been invading earth since 1947."

"Yeah" sighed Morgan "but even though thousands of flying saucers are seen every year nobody has ever taken a believable picture of one." Morgan slammed his fist against the wall in frustration.

"Take it easy Morgan, earth isn't ready for the truth." Rossi placed a calming hand on Morgan's shoulder when the silence was interrupted with the sound of a screaming woman. "The girls!"

*******

Rossi and Morgan ran outside to see JJ rubbing the widow's arm frantically while the widow stared into the woods looking almost catatonic.

Mrs Montgomery reached her hand out as if trying to touch something and whimpered "Boris!"

JJ looked at her friends and explained, "Mrs Montgomery thinks she saw her husband's cold, dead body."

Rossi and Morgan were just about to laugh at this unlikely turn of events when once again the area was immersed in a blinding light and the vibrations shook the people so much that they all crashed to the floor unconscious.

From the woods the caped figure of old Boris Montgomery slowly walked to the porch of the house and stood over his wife's still form. He regarded her for a second, picked her up then noticed the inert body of the beautiful woman lying next to her. He dropped his wife to the floor and instead scooped JJ up into his arms and disappeared into the woods.

*******

Reid, Hotch, Emily and Johnson watched in horror as the blinding light passed over them, their eyes grew even wider when they saw three ghostly white figures walking slowly in their direction, their arms stretched menacingly in front of them.

Quickly, Johnson drew his weapon and started shooting at the zombies... but they kept coming!

Reid, Hotch and Emily watched stunned as one of the zombies – a dark clad woman with an impossibly thin waist – scratched the detective and he fell down into a heap.

They started running through the woods but no matter how fast they ran they couldn't seem to shake off their assailants, the dark clad woman, a 7 year old child and an old lady.

Reid tripped over a rock and Emily grabbed his arm, hauling him up and together they ran after Hotch, who had reached a clearing and stopped when he saw a huge silver object. A flying saucer!

The door opened and two silver clad figures beckoned them inside. "We have been expecting you." One of them said in perfect English.

"Who are you?" Reid asked.

"My name is Zorg and this is my wife Xeras, we are from a planet many light years away"

The team looked behind them, the zombies were closing in, there was no escape so they entered the spaceship.

Hotch jutted his chin in a masculine fashion, he wanted to assert his authority.

Zorg laughed "You earthlings are so stupid" He stamped his feet "Stupid, stupid, stupid!" Hotch was about to protest when Emily shook her head in warning. Zorg continued. "We came in peace many years ago and you experimented on us so now it's payback time!" He laughed hysterically and pointed to a blinking machine "This instrument brings back people from the dead. We have killed a lot more than four people and with a flick of the switch millions will break free from their graves and together we will conquer the world!"

Reid looked at him with expressive eyes and whispered "Why?"

Zorg looked at his prisoners with revulsion and explained "Because you earthlings think nothing of killing your own people, you are a cruel, violent race."

Hotch had had enough and started attacking Zorg. Emily and Reid tried to restrain him but Xeras took out her ray gun and yelled for them to stop, which they did.

Zorg switched on a monitor and the team watched in horror as a caped zombie carried an unconscious JJ towards the craft. "Before we destroy your planet we will take you fine earthlings home to experiment on.  See how you like it."

Emily approached Zorg cautiously, "I'm sorry if our planet offended you but we do not deserve this, there are a lot of good people on earth… have you ever seen a child laugh or an old woman smile? Have you ever seen a puppy be tickled by its owner?"

Emily was at a loss as how to continue the charade so Reid followed on. "Our hospitals are full of doctors and nurses helping people who have been attacked, they deserve to live."

Hotch continued. "I have a child. I hardly see him now as my wife left me after having an affair but he is my life, my soul and my joy even if I'm not sure if the child is mine."

Zorg and Xeras listened but weren't swayed, Zorg headed towards the machine and was about to press the switch when there was a blast and Zorg's body crumpled to the floor.

Xeras looked at her husband, her ray gun in her hand and tears streaming down her face. "I had to do it," she cried, "I never wanted to destroy your race but my husband's father was one of those that were experimented on and he…"

"…had a psychotic break." Reid nodded.

Xeras opened the door. "Go!" She sobbed, "You will never hear from us again."

The team left the spacecraft, watching as Boris Montgomery and JJ collapsed, JJ regaining consciousness and the old man turning into a skeleton before their very eyes.

Hotch put his arms around his two standing agents and sighed as he watched the spaceship soar into the skies. "Nobody's ever going to believe this."

*******

Garcia welcomed the team back to Quantico. Morgan hugged her like never before and Garcia relished the moment, "What on earth happened to you guys?"

The team looked at each other and laughed knowingly "We had an adventure" Rossi said winking at his friends "And it was out of this world!"

The end!  
  
 


End file.
